Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
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“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something