HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
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Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!