Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
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I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.