I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
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I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
accurate
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid