[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
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me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
I’d hang this in my house.
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*