Received some very disappointing news today
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[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no