[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
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I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
Somebody call the cops.
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out