[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
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me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
lmfao come on
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep