And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
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how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
Life hack
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.