My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
You Might Also Like
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.