Put my back out twerking in the library again
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Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
did it work
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
I’m Sold!
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!