I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
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Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
A ghost story
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth