velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
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It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.