Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
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In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.