Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
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Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms