You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
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Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
I put the mess in domestic.
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.