3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
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This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
That’s a good costume, I hope.
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!