You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
You Might Also Like
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
Zack Greinke stories are the best