Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
You Might Also Like
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
Am getting real tired of your crap…
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings