I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
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There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
Never mess with a drunken pig.
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’