girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
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Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
I found your tweet-up…