Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
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Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
#CatsOnTwitter
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫