Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
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Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.