Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
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I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
😂😂
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP