8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
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YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
thanksgiving should be called feaster
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
why no one uses midhusbands
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.