[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
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I self medicate, therefore you live.
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
One venti cheeseburger please.
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
I cannot call her anything else now
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda