Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
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In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian