supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
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I hope my company doesn’t馃槀馃槀
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother鈥檚 head*
4yo: it鈥檚 ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
the uber app should have what songs the driver鈥檚 playing
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it鈥檒l upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You鈥檒l be needing this, then
W: I despise you
Oh how the tables have turned Linda鈥ave fun getting out now! 馃槒馃槀馃惗
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we鈥檒l call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH鈥橲 MANAGER
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don鈥檛 know what鈥檚 worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
You know a Brit鈥檚 really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there鈥檚 a chance they鈥檒l give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should鈥檝e ate them when they were alive.
I鈥檓 directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.