FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
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Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.