Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
You Might Also Like
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.