“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
You Might Also Like
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
Inside you there are two wolves
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay