I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
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Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.