me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
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[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.