My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
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Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.