Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
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At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
For only £3 a month you can adopt an economy passenger. Help us stop the brutal and inhumane way we treat them by donating today. You’ll receive a framed picture of your very own economy passenger and regular updates as to where their luggage might be. Thank you
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
quarantine day 3
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE