Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
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If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.