[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
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When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
I was bored.
Google reviews are always so mixed..
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
Teamwork makes the dream work.