HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
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True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
Me recordaron éste meme
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
email: CC
my brain: corn cob