Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
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wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
Well, my evening plans are ruined
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
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“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.