Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
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Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.