I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
You Might Also Like
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
[canadians at you, canadianly]
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.