no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
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Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits