You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
You Might Also Like
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*