Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
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Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
When you don’t understand how floors work
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.