PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
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Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.