Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
You Might Also Like
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
Nothing.
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
What?
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos