date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
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I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.