Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
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There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
Our lord and savoury.
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u