Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
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I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
me logging onto twitter
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
Labreador
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.