white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
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I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
synchronized noseblowing
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.